The other day I was on my way to meet my editor. On the way, I observed a woman walking her dog. Every time the little dog tried to stop and sniff a spot, the woman would yank its leash.
If you know anything about dogs, you understand that sniffing is a habit of all dogs. It’s their way of exploring. This woman was denying one of the small pleasures remaining when a dog is forced to be confined to a leash. I felt sad at her lack of kindness and understanding, but it gave me the inspiration to write this post.
We are all caregivers in one way or another. Some of you have kids. Many of you are living with a significant other. Maybe you just have a few houseplants to care for. There are many ways to define what it is to be a caregiver. What kind of caregiver are you?
Are you like that woman walking her dog? Do you ask your kids how their day went at school without really listening to what they have to say? Is your life so wrapped up with self-imposed must dos and want to dos that you fail as a caregiver? Are you a leash yanker or an ignorer in chief?
If this defines your behavior, don’t beat yourself up. Instead, spend some time learning the art of caregiving. Learn what it means to be kind and thoughtful to those in your charge.
Some of you will find this easy by simply observing your behavior. Others of you will find it more difficult, but you can do it. Be kind and patient with yourself by remembering that you are the ultimate caregiver of you.
You might be wondering why in the world I would consider caregiving an art. If you understand art to be creativity, then it becomes clear. Let me give you an example.
While visiting my mom who was the primary caregiver of my grandmother, Gram had gone to the bathroom and had been in there quite a while. To check and make sure she was okay, I went to the bathroom door and asked, “Gram, would you like a cup of tea?” When she answered, I knew she was fine.
Now I could have said, “Gram are you okay?” She would have responded to that also, but the messaging to her would have been entirely different. Think about that for a second or two. Can you see the subtle art in how I went about finding that she was okay?
Sometimes, we become bossy bitches or aggravating ass wipes. We bark orders to our kids, employees, or seniors in our charge. If you are a control freak, be assured that life is going to smack the crap out of you until you change. At some point, you must realize the only thing you can really control is what you think and do. It’s unfortunate that folks like this bring so much misery into the world.
What’s strange is that a control freak might not realize that he or she is one. He might think he’s simply doing what’s best for someone else. The father who bullies his kid into a line of work for which the kid has no interest is a prime example. The Priest who threatens hell and damnation for gay folks in his flock. Maybe you’re caring for a stroke victim and start a sentence with, “Come on honey, it’s time to do your walk” (Why not preserve his or her dignity by instead saying, “Honey, I’m going for a walk and I’d sure like you to come with me.”
Do you do this type of thing? If so, you aren’t helping, you’re controlling.
One of the best ways to learn the art of caregiving is by listening with full attention and without judging. This will take practice because we humans have a propensity to judge others.
Another way is to allow others to make mistakes or fail. Maybe your kid will never know his dream of being in a successful band. That’s okay. Let him try. Maybe mom can no longer prepare meals like she once did. That’s okay, let her try. Simply stand by so she doesn’t burn the house down. Be creative in the way you perform your caregiving tasks.
Remember that you are also the caregiver of yourself. Enjoy the little things in life. Feed your body with good wholesome foods. The past is gone. Learn the lessons from it. The future is always uncertain. Now, this moment, is all any of us have.
