Someone loves you. It might be your mom, dad, sibling, or adult child. It might be your significant other or best friend. Without any evil intent, this loved one can be your worst enemy.
How can this be? You ask.
Here are some examples.
Your mom thinks your idea to become a writer is stupid. She believes you’ll end up one of those poor artists living in poverty. To dissuade you from your dream, she might point out how difficult it is to make a living as a writer. She might even try and convince you that you lack talent.
Your dad wants you to become a lawyer or doctor. You want to start a business. You respect his opinion. When you share your business idea, he tells you all the reasons it won’t work. He tells you that you should get a college education and enter a stable profession.
Your sibling might be very blunt by simply saying, “That’s a stupid idea.”
If you’re a little older and have adult kids, they can whittle away at your self-confidence by trying to make all your decisions for you or doing too much for you. In either case, you can end up thinking you lack the ability to do anything for yourself. If it goes on long enough, you can end up being so afraid you’ll make a wrong decision that you turn your life over to the kids. Bad idea!
Another mechanism used to control you might be in the form of gifts. This is more insidious in that it’s not easy to spot. The underlying intent of these gifts is a means to control the person receiving them. For example, it might be a man or woman who bestows gifts to a significant other; or the parent who bestows gifts to an adult child. The gifts create a sense of indebtedness in the person receiving them. The person bestowing the gifts may be using them as a mechanism to control you. Sadly, they may not even be aware of their own motives. Beware of excessive gifts from others.
An example of this involves what I call the sidekick syndrome. A friend invites you to go out to lunch or coffee and insists on paying. Occasionally is okay and might be a sign of appreciation for your friendship. When done consistently, it’s a means of control. Be wary of becoming someone’s sidekick.
Be aware that anyone who tries to dominate your life is not acting in your best interest. They may be an authoritarian who thinks their ideas, decisions and values are always right. On the other hand, they may have a need to dominate someone else because it gives them a sense of self-worth.
Without a doubt, the hardest control freaks to deal with are those you love and those who love you because they are often oblivious to the damage they are doing to the people closest to them. They see themselves as altruistic; as helping. They may genuinely feel hurt when you stand your ground, but stand your ground you must do.
I found a great little quiz by Karl Albrecht, PhD which will help you determine if the people closest to you are control freaks. The quiz is to help you determine if you are a control freak (which is just as important), but if you substitute the word(s) ‘you’ for ‘them,’ the quiz works both ways. For example, in the question, “Do you devote a lot of attention and energy to keeping your personal environment organized?” Substitute the word “you” for “they.” “Do they devote a lot of attention and energy to keeping their personal environment organized?” You’ll find the quiz here.
Albrecht has written 20 books or so and two I’m soon going to read are Social Intelligence: The New Science of Success, and his Mindex Thinking Style Profile. His website http://www.KarlAlbrecht.com is worth a visit.
If you find yourself in a situation where someone, particularly a loved one, is trying to control you, here are steps I have taken to remedy the situation.
Decision making. I listen to their ideas and weigh them carefully. (It’s stupid not to listen to the ideas of another.) If I like my idea better, I say, “You’re probably right, but this is what I’m going to do.” (Sometimes this brings on an angry response which I ignore.)
Side-kick. When I see a trend developing, I insist on paying my own way and sometimes treat them too. You can’t be a sidekick when you’re paying your own way.
Winning an argument. The control freak hates to lose an argument, so I don’t argue with them. It diffuses the situation well with a comment like, “You have your opinion and I have mine. Wouldn’t the world be a boring place if everyone thought the same way?”
If it’s someone I love that wants to argue with me, I respond by sometimes saying, “I love you bunches, but on this matter, I think you’re full of shit.” (Mama Vic said a no no word. Please forgive.)
Nagging. I detest being nagged to do something or not do something. Usually I ignore the nagger, but occasionally when things get too much to bear I’ll fire off a comment like, “I know what you want me to do. I know you think it’s in my best interest, but I’m not going to do it. Let’s let the matter drop.”
“The day I allow someone else to control my life is the same day I lose the respect of the person in control as well as, and more importantly, my self-respect.” Mama Vic
