Most of the time, the conversations we have are not all that relevant. I see a lot of that on Facebook. Do I really care that you’re at McDonald’s having a hamburger? Nope. I don’t give a whit. That’s simply the electronic version of blah, blah, blah.
Now if you post that you’re suffering in some way. That is relevant to me because you’re one of my kids. What kind of a mom would I be if I didn’t care? If you share relevant information about what’s going on in your life, I’m interested. If you share an interesting thing you have learned, I’m interested.
Why do we so often talk about irrelevant things? It’s because maybe, just maybe someone will pay attention to us. When people pay attention to us, we feel relevant. It’s a basic human need to be relevant; to feel important; to matter in a world that seems to attempt to strip us of that basic human need.
Unfortunately, the more you prattle on, the less important it becomes for others to listen to you and the less important you feel. That brings us to the point of this post: The two most important people to listen to.
The most important person to listen to you is you. Instead of a mindless barrage of chatter, be attentive to what you are saying. Is it a question you would like to have answered? Is it a problem you need help solving? Will it bring joy in some way to others? Maybe you share a great movie to watch, a Ted talk, a wonderful recipe, a funny joke, or a speaker to go hear. Will it add knowledge or wisdom to the listener or reader?
If you answered yes to any of those questions, speak up. That is being relevant in our noisy world. In fact, where oration is concerned, it is the only way you can be relevant. You can only know whether what you are saying fits into one of these categories if you truly listen to yourself.
The second most important person or persons for you to listen to are those folks with whom you wish to communicate or who are trying to communicate with you. That may seem obvious, yet most of the time we fail to do that. When someone is speaking to you, sending you a text, or communicating on social media, listen to them. If they are just talking to be talking, be aware of their need to feel relevant. Is there anything you can say or do to help them feel relevant; like they matter?
This is most important when you are nose to nose with someone. They will know when you’re not entirely present. They will know when your eyes dart away from them that you aren’t really with them. When your eyes move from them to the cell phone sitting upright on a table they know you aren’t paying attention to them. A big yawn doesn’t help either.
When you aren’t present:
- You’re sending the message that the person isn’t important
- You may misunderstand what the person is saying because you are only partly listening
- You may miss hearing important information such as dates and times of events
- You will miss opportunities to strengthen a relationship
An issue that often arises when we’re nose to nose with someone is the uneasy silence. You and the person you’re with have just exhausted your discussion of the weather. Suddenly neither of you can think of what to say next. The silence is making both of you uncomfortable.
I wondered why silence makes us so uncomfortable. I found a great blog post that discusses the nuances of silence in conversations and how they differ culturally. Since I’m from the west, I’m typical in that I’m uncomfortable with long pauses in conversations. When that happens, I will often break the pause with a question. What do you think about……? Have you seen……? Where are you from? What kind of work do you do? Have you read……?
Questions will engage the other person and will often lead to more questions and listening opportunities. Plus, it’s an opportunity to learn something. I have never met a person that didn’t have a tidbit of worthwhile information or wisdom.
To put it all in a nutshell, you are the most important person to listen to. Are you just making noise to feel important? Does your chat offer something of value to the other person(s)?
The second most important person to listen to is the person who is communicating with you. Do you make it a point to really listen to him or her? Do you try and talk over them because what you have to say seems more important to you? Do you allow your mind to wander off when they are speaking?
Think about these things the next time you write a post on social media or sit down with a friend at a coffee shop.
