Why oh why do I keep breaking promises to myself? I promise I’m going to lose some weight, but I don’t. I promise I’m going to get more exercise, but I don’t. I promise to eat healthier, but I don’t. I promise to write a blog post, but surf the net, play on Facebook, and read e-mails instead. So many broken promises to myself. Is there a way for me to keep the promises I make to myself?
That was and sometimes still is a problem I wrestle with. The conclusion I’ve come to is that when my monkey brain takes control, my wise brain loses. When this happens, I feel sad and guilty. I think that maybe I’m a wimp with no self-control. I lose self-respect. The problem is my monkey brain likes to have fun and rejects anything that is remotely unpleasant. It tells me that a donut is fun to eat so I eat it. It pounces on the idea that having coffee with friends is way more fun than tending to my to-do list. And exercise, that doesn’t sound like fun at all.
When I was a kid, my parents acted on the yet undeveloped wise me. They knew my monkey brain was 100% in control way back then. “You can’t have dessert until you eat your vegetables.” “You have to be in by 9 because you have school tomorrow.” “You can’t go out until your homework is done.” I can remember thinking how nice it was going to be when I was a grown up like them. Then nobody was going to be able to tell me what to do.
Now here I am, all grown up. No one tells me what to do. All decisions are between me, my wise brain, and my monkey brain. The problem is I like my monkey brain and don’t want it gone. I can only imagine how boring life would be without it, so I did a little research. (Actually. I did a lot of research). I wanted to know what was really going on and why I persistently made such lousy choices. I wanted to know if it was possible to have the monkey brain and wise brain live in harmony where both could be happy.
Miki Kashtan, Ph.D. wrote a great piece in Psychology Today pinning down the reasons we do what we do. In the article, she explains that what we do has a basis in our needs which we may not even recognize.
A better definition of my monkey brain
When I talk about my monkey brain, I’m more referring to that little four-year-old child that resides in me. She’s the one who gets me in trouble. She is only one aspect of monkey brain which also refers to out of control or obsessive thoughts. My little girl monkey brain doesn’t think. She wants something or wants to do something and acts without much thought at all. If it’s something she doesn’t want to do, she’ll find something waaaay more fun to do instead like play on Facebook.
If you’ve never heard of it, you might want to check out this great article on the marshmallow test. It explains my monkey brain/child perfectly.
The recommended fixes
There are almost as many suggestions on how to control the monkey brain as there are people on the planet. I’ve included a few compromises I make that helps to keep both my wise brain and child/monkey brain happy. You should do your own experiments to see what works best for you. To get other ideas, Just type in the word “willpower” or “increasing willpower” and there before your eyes will be a gazillion sites and bloggers with suggestions.
I’m only going to mention one interesting fact about us that I learned in a behavior science class I took. Studies have shown that short-term pleasure often outweighs long term gain. In other words, I feel healthy even though I’m overweight, but I know I should forego the donut today for the long-term goal of good health. I eat the donut anyway because it’s right there in front of me and maintaining good health is a way down the road goal. This is the adult version of the marshmallow test.
The following types of compromises work best for me most of the time, but definitely not all the time. The objective for me was to make that four-year-old little monkey happy while also keeping the wise me happy.
Likely conversations with both parts of me plus the reasonable me.
1.
Wise me: It’s time to sit down and write that blog post.
Monkey me: Let’s check our e-mail. I want to see if Tom (my son) sent me an e-mail.
Reasonable me: I’ll tell you what guys, let’s spend the next 30 minutes working on the blog then we will do a quick check to see if there’s new mail from Tom.
2.
Wise me: We need to get more exercise, we’ve been sitting at the computer too long.
Monkey me: No, we don’t need exercise. We took Misty (my little silky) out to go pee and got up several times to get coffee. That’s exercise.
Reasonable me who is having trouble wanting to listen to wise me: It’s a shame to not take Misty for a walk. Poor little thing. Let’s just do three short 10 minute walks a day. It’s late today, we’ll take one ten-minute walk today and start tomorrow with one at 10, one right after lunch and one at two.
3.
Wise me: You shouldn’t eat that donut.
Monkey me: I love donuts and one isn’t going to make any difference.
Reasonable me: How about I buy that donut and eat half today and half tomorrow. That’s half the calories and twice the pleasure. Sometimes monkey me needs to be reminded to stick to the plan or I’ll eat the whole darn donut immediately.
Life is full of compromises I make with other people, why not make those same compromises with myself? At least, that’s my philosophy. It might or might not work for you, but it works for me most of the time. When it doesn’t work, I just move forward realizing I’m a mere mortal with a plethora of flaws like everyone else. It’s not the end of the world when I make a mistake.
Mama Vic loves you.
