Hi kids,
Want to know a dirty little secret about Mama Vic? Probably not, but I’m going to tell you anyway because it’ll make me feel better to confess. I’m a professional procrastinator who is an expert at the craft. It almost takes an act of congress to put my should-do list ahead of my want-to-do list. Now don’t get me wrong, I do get the should-do crap done eventually, but only when my lizard brain thinks there’s a looming disaster on the near horizon.
Maybe I suffer from some sort of mental disease. If that’s the case, I learned I have a lot of company. I’m thinking of starting a procrastinators’ anonymous club. We could all meet once a month and share our stories of all the ways our procrastination has gotten us into trouble or maybe just learn new ways to improve the craft. Whatever.
In my case, procrastination costs me money in late payment fees. It’s pissed off my friends because I’m always late for everything. It causes me stress because everything is done at the last minute. It’s definitely not a positive force in my life, but I do it anyway. Why?
I’m convinced there’s a two year old kid that shares my body. She’s an impulsive, petulant brat that insists on doing only fun stuff. When the grown up me should be working on a should-do task, she insists on frolicking around Facebook. And she’s an OMG mess when it’s time for an unpleasant chore like editing. That’s when the grown up and the brat really go to war with each other. I know I must get the job done and I’ll feel good about myself. That’s also when the brat convinces me that I’ll also feel good if I clean out a closet or wash the windows. She doesn’t think those tasks are fun either, but she thinks they’re a lot more fun than editing. She hates editing.
When a less urgent task, like washing the dishes should be done, she convinces me they can wait. After all, they’re not really urgent and there’s a great movie on TV. When the bills should be paid, the brat arranges to have coffee with a friend. She convinces the grown up that doing it later is just fine. “Make a list,” she says to the grown up me. “We’ll get to it soon enough.” It’s as if by making a list I’m actually accomplishing something.
When the brat perceives something as a dire threat she hides somewhere in the branches of my brain. For instance, if the toilet is running over or a creditor is coming to take my first born or somebody is about to sue me or I get a skinny envelope from my trusty banker or my knees threaten to give out because I need to lose weight, the brat is nowhere to be found. These things scare the crap out of her and she disappears, but just long enough for me to take care of the problem then she’s right back in control.
To give you a better understanding of my brat, a conversation between us might go something like this:
- My grown up self (GU) – Okay, it’s time to edit this post.
- The brat (B) – I want to play on Facebook
- GU – I’ll tell you what, if you sit quietly for an hour while I edit, we’ll play on FB.
- B – (She’s screaming in my head by this time) No, FB first. That’s fun and that’s what I want to do.
- GU – Yeah, that’s true, but you know that fun trip you want to take. If we don’t get the editing done, we don’t get paid. If we don’t get paid, we can’t go on the trip. Hey, it’s only an hour.
- B – You promise it will only be an hour.
- GU – I promise
- B – Okay
So then I start to edit and think everything is going to be fine. Somewhere between the first and second paragraph, this happens.
- B – I need a snack.
- GU – Just wait until I’m done here.
- B – MUST HAVE SNACK. MUST HAVE SNACK. MUST HAVE SNACK.
- GU – Okay, okay, just shut up and I’ll get you a snack.
After the snack, my grown up sits down to resume the editing job when this happens.
- B – I need a drink
- GU – You can wait
- B – NOW, NOW, NOW!!!!!!!!! RIGHT NOW OR I’M GOING TO DIE OF THIRST.
- GU – Okay, but then I’ve really got to get this editing job done.
After drink, this happens.
- B – The hours up and you promised.
- GU – No it hasn’t been an hour. It’s only been a half hour because of the interruptions.
- B – Okay (she’s clearly not happy)
Then the phone rings
- B – ANSWER IT, ANSWER IT, ANSWER IT.
- GU – We’ll let them leave a message and call back when we’re done here.
- B – ANSWER IT, ANSWER IT, ANSWER IT.
I answer the phone.
The effect of all this of course is that an editing job that should have taken me an hour stretches into two or more and the brat thinks she’s made a great sacrifice of fun by allowing my grown up to work. I promised an hour, but it took two. In her view, I didn’t keep my promise and so, the next time she won’t be so charitable when I want to edit.
The brat has been with me all my life and she usually runs the show unless something scares her into hiding. Sometimes my grown up uses fear to good use by pointing out the consequences of doing what the brat wants instead of what should be done. The tactic isn’t perfect, but it works for me (sometimes). But, I’ve discovered there’s a better way than fear. I don’t like the stress that fear causes and I know pumping gallons of adrenalin into my system isn’t exactly healthy.
I’ve figured out the best way to control the brat is to recognizer her when she first tries to take control. By being aware of her, my grown up can send her to sit in the corner. I’ve also discovered that by breaking tasks down into small doable bites, she tends to be much more compliant. You see, I like my brat. She’s way cooler than my grown up in many ways. She’s the source of my creativity and fun. I don’t want her gone from my life because I think I would bore myself to death if that happened. I just want her to behave.
The battle to keep the brat under control is going to be with me all my life. I’m resigned to that. However, I take solace in that I’m not alone. Some folks just have better control of their brats than I do. Good for them. The big question is how do they do it?
I recently read a post from Wait But Why, my favoritest of favorite websites. The writer, Tim, describes his struggle with his brat which he calls his instant gratification monkey. His post is funny, personal and has excellent suggestions on ways to gain a semblance of control. I couldn’t improve on it, so I’m going to let you give it a read for yourself. It’s a two part post, be sure and read the second part.
If you like this post, be sure and leave a comment below. And for God’s sake, like Mama Vic on Facebook. That makes the brat happy enough that she leaves me alone to write more posts.
