We’ve all done it. You know, we want a clean house, but we don’t clean it. We want good grades in college, but we party instead. We want to write a book but clean a cabinet instead. What the heck is going on? Why do we shoot ourselves in the foot like this?
Mama is writing this post as much for herself as for you. I fit into the writer who cleans a cabinet instead category. I liked to party instead of study in college. I still leave crap laying around the house instead of making it tidy like I like it to be. Maybe we can change some of these self-defeating habits by knowing where they come from; by knowing what motivates us to do the things we do. Why do we procrastinate going for the things we want.
In this post, I’m going to be discussing motivation and procrastination, the two human traits that bring about the serious bullet in the foot consequence. And, just so you know, I’m a pro at both. So, don’t think you’ve got a corner on the market.
Motivation – Monkey brain in action
Okay, kids here’s what we’ve got. We are driven to do the things we do for a variety of reasons. Ad companies are experts in knowing what drives us to action. Here’s what they have to say:
People are motivated to action if:
- They believe the action will bring pleasure in some way. The more pleasure, the more likely they are to buy my product or service.
- It reduces pain. Show people how much pain they will experience by not buying my product or service.
- It makes them feel important. I show you how buying my product or service, will increase your status and make you more important.
- It gives them a sense of belonging. (Watch those beer commercials, they’re tops at this one.)
Examples: See if you can pick out which of these four motivational forces are at work in each one of the following examples (hint: some will be more than one)
- If you buy this car, beautiful young women will be attracted to you.
- If you use this cream, it will make you young and beautiful
- I eat a maple bar because I know it tastes so very good. It brings me pleasure.
- A gal jumps in the sack with a good-looking dude because she thinks sex with him will bring her pleasure. (Note: Depending on the dude, do you think this might make her feel more important?)
- I dump $100 into a slot machine because it brings me pleasure to hear all those bells and whistles, plus and despite the horrible odds, I might just win.
- The monk living in a cave meditating his life away thinks it will bring him the pleasure of being enlightened or escape from suffering.
- A leaking roof is inevitable unless you allow us to come out and inspect it.
- An identity theft happens every 15 seconds, but our company will protect you.
- A burglary happens every 15 seconds and that’s why you need our burglar alarm system
- Drink our beer. (The ad will show a bunch of people drinking beer while having fun with friends
These actions are pretty easy to figure out, but there’s another thing that motivates us. Humans have a strong need to matter; to feel important and relevant.
- The kid waving a gun in my face feels really important. He’s in control. If he’s pointing a gun at me, he’s the focus of all my attention.
- The workaholic might work all the time because when she is working, she feels relevant. She matters.
- Suicide bombers strap explosives to themselves because some idiot has convinced them that by blowing themselves up, they will matter. God will love them for doing that.
- I visualize helping someone by writing this post, so I write it. I feel like in some small way, I matter.
I want to elaborate on two of these motivational forces because they are so very important: The need to belong and be accepted and the need for relevance.
The need to belong and be accepted
I know the hours I spend on Facebook gives me a sense of belonging as does getting together with friends over coffee. Psychologists think this need might have a genetic base. Way on back, being part of the clan might mean survival. However, if this need is too strong it can cause its own set of problems.
Examples:
- Maybe you join a club of some kind. You join even though membership fees are more than you can afford. (This might also be a means to feel relevant.)
- Are you a chronic volunteer? You say yes to everything even when your time is already stretched to the maximum. (This also may be a means to feel relevant.)
- You stay in a lousy relationship because you feel a lousy relationship is better than no relationship at all.
The need for relevance and importance
Our lives are constantly in flux. We aren’t even physically the same as we were a few years ago. Maybe we’re not as strong as we were or as pretty/handsome as we once were. Maybe the kids have grown up and moved away. A long-term relationship ended. The boss cuts your job.
These are just a few examples of life changes that can affect our sense of relevance. And, if we see our lives in the wrong way, these changes can be some of the most destructive to our wellbeing and happiness.
Some of my other posts touch on relevance and may be helpful in putting things in perspective. Check out (Keeping the Monkey Happy and Afraid of Failure: Here’s How to Fix it and.
What I have found most helpful in my life is to contribute. The little things like giving a friend a cutting off one of my roses, buying a friend a latte, playing taxi service to someone who needs a ride. Anything I do that helps in some way raises my relevance bar to an acceptable level. Writing this blog post for you does the same thing. We both benefit.
Sometimes allowing someone to help me also raises my relevance level. I’m short. By asking someone tall in the grocery store to reach an item off a top shelf helps them feel relevant. It’s an itsy bitsy tiny thing, but it works.
Procrastination the monkey brain in action
Examples:
- The report isn’t due until next week Thursday. I start it on Wednesday night at midnight.
- The guests are arriving for dinner at 5:30, I start cooking at 5:20.
- I want to add a post every Thursday afternoon. I start writing it on Thursday afternoon.
- Have a meeting at 10. No problem. I’ve got lots of time. It’s only 9 now. The drive to get there is 15 minutes. I end up leaving at 9:50.
- The house is a pit. It’ll still be there to clean tomorrow. (That’s always when company decides to pay me an unexpected visit.)
- Bills schmills. I’ll pay them later. (Credit card companies love us for this one.)
- Why exercise today. Tomorrow will be the perfect time to start. Besides, I feel just fine.
- I don’t have to decide on choosing what college to attend or product to buy. I’ll decide later.
We can easily see how we so often shoot ourselves in the foot by procrastinating. The big question is why do we procrastinate? What’s going on?
- Don’t see the relevance. Sometimes we procrastinate because doing A is more important to us than doing B. So, we put off doing B. In fact, we may end up never doing B.
- Skewed priorities – We know doing A is important, but doing B is more satisfying in the now, so we do B. We rationalize that A will get done, just later.
- Fear – This is a big one. For instance, we might be afraid we might fail if we do A. Maybe we will make a bad decision. We might even be afraid of the consequences of success. (If I succeed at this, my friends will abandon me.) What if……. The what if this or that happens can lead to chronic procrastination. We can what if ourselves into more lost opportunities than you can imagine. All because we are afraid.
- Dread – This is the sister of fear. In my case, sometimes I’ll procrastinate because I dread doing a task. The garage is full of stuff and desperately needs to be organized. It seems like such a huge task, I put off starting it. Sorting paperwork is a big one for me.
- Boredom – I hate doing things that bore me. I’m not easily bored but reading insurance policies is one of those things. Nothing will put me to sleep faster than sitting down with an insurance policy in hand. I nod off immediately. Delving into tax-related stuff is another (I’ve filed for extensions almost every year).
If I examine honestly what I do and why I do the things that cause me to shoot myself in the foot, I can take the necessary actions to change my self-defeating behavior. I know that these changes aren’t going to happen overnight. One thing at a time. Baby steps over a long period of time will do the trick. The most important thing is to be patient with myself (hard to do sometimes when I act like a moron). More juice on this topic is found on this site at http://mamavic.com/procrastination-the-brat-within/
I hope what I’ve written will help you. Also, if you have any tips or tricks that have worked for you, be sure and post them below in the comment section below.
Resources:
Books I like
Higgins, E. Tory. Beyond Pleasure and Pain: How Motivation Works. Oxford University Press, 2014.
Tullier, L. Michelle Ph.D. The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Overcoming Procrastination. Alpha Books, 2012
Willson, Rob, Branch, Rhena. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Dummies. John Wiley & Sons, Ltd, 2006
Online sites I like
https://markmanson.net/procrastination
https://www.psychologicalscience.org/observer/why-wait-the-science-behind-procrastination
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5364176/
